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What You Can’t Expect When You’re Expecting: The Impact of Parenthood on Your Relationship
Bringing a child into the world is often described as one of the most profound and life-changing experiences a couple can go through. Expectant parents are inundated with advice about feeding, sleeping, and diapering. But one of the most overlooked aspects of new parenthood is the impact it has on the couple’s relationship. As a couples counselor, I have seen firsthand how the arrival of a baby can test even the strongest of partnerships multiple unexpected ways. In
1. You Can’t Expect Your Relationship to Stay the Same
Becoming a parent changes you—individually and as a couple. Your individual identity’s shift as you step into this new role (‘I’m someone’s mother now?!!’) which means that your partnership also changes (‘We’re parents?!! Five minutes ago we were kids!’). Some of these changes will be beautiful; others will be challenging. You may find yourselv redefining your values, adjusting long-held expectations, and discovering new strengt and challenges in each other. While the changes can feel disorienting at times, they also offer an opportunity to deepen your connection in ways you never imagined. The key is to approach this transition with curiosity, compassion, a truckload of patience and a shared commitment to evolving together.
2. You Can’t Expect Equal Parenting (Even If You Planned It)
Many couples enter parenthood with the expectation of equal partnership, believing they will share responsibilities 50/50. The reality? Parenthood is not a math equation. One partner may take on more night feedings, while the other works longer hours to provide financial support. Resentment can creep in when one person feels like they are carrying uneven load. Rather than keeping score, approach parenting as a team sport where roles shift based on each person’s strengths and energy levels. Frequent, honest conversations about workload and emotional labor are essential.
3. You Can’t Expect Your Relationship to Run on Autopilot
Before children, it might have felt easy to connect, to laugh, and to prioritize each other. After a baby, emotional and physical exhaustion take over, and it’s hard to find the time work on that connection piece. Intimacy often takes a hit—not just sexual intimacy, but
emotional closeness too. (70% of couples report a significant drop in relationsh satisfaction in the first year of their child’s life). Connection now requires intention. Schedule time for each other, even if it’s just 10 minutes of cuddles or conversations.
4. You Can’t Expect to Agree on Everything
Parenting styles, sleep training, soothing methods, pacifiers, frequency of visitor should-we-put-on-a-hat-even-though-she-hates-it-but-it’s-cold-outside - things you may never have discussed before suddenly become daily decisions. You and your partner will inevitably disagree on some of them and in the fog of sleep deprivation many may seem much more important than they might otherwise be. Learning to navigate these decisions together—sometimes compromising, sometimes standing firm—becomes an essential pa of strengthening your partnership as parents.
The reality of new parenthood is often messier, harder, and more complex than anyone expects. But the good news? With open communication, mutual respect, and intentional effort, couples can navigate these changes together. Your relationship may never look the way it did before children, but it can still be strong, connected, and fulfilling—just in a ne evolving way.
Kate D'Anvers is a registered psychologist from New Zealand, specializing in supporting international couples. Living in Amsterdam with her Swedish-Canadian husband and two young children, Kate has over twenty years of experience, offering efficient and effective support. She currently provides in-person and online appointments for couples living around the Netherlands. More info visit https://www.relationshipcounselling.nl/
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